BLESSINGS IN THE NOT NOW

I’ll be the first to admit that I am not a relationship expert. While I’ve done a lot of work over the last several years to grow my mindset in this area, experience is still almost nonexistent. For most of my teen and young adult years, I longed to be wanted, pursued, and valued in a romantic relationship, but it just seemed like guys were never really interested in me. I spent time dreaming about what a relationship could look like and all the great things we could do together. I chose to live in the daydream rather than in reality. You may have heard of the idea of being on someone’s hook; well, starting in middle school, I would put myself on a guy’s hook and then stay there for years, taking no steps to let him know that I was interested, but instead wishing he would magically know and be interested back—full disclosure: I still struggle with this sometimes. But the great news is that God is using my not-so-healthy inaction to show me places where I needed to grow and places where He is using my weakness for good. I can honestly say that I am so thankful that only one of the guys I’ve genuinely liked reciprocated, or if they did, they never made it known. I don’t feel this way just because I got to see how they turned out or because it saved me from possible heartbreak, although those also hold true. I am so thankful because being single, as much as I often dislike it, has allowed me to do so much more with my life than I had dreamed.

I spent years annoyed, even mad, that God kept not bringing the right man into my life. I was sick of having to explain to family, church ladies, and even, on occasion, little kids why I wasn’t married or at least dating, mainly because, in reality, I didn’t have an answer. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I think God has kept me from dating and that I have had nothing to say in the matter, but I now see how God has used my lack of intentionality and inactivity in dating for more significant purposes. Over the last five or so years, God has woken me up to places in my life that would have made a relationship so much more complicated. One of the most significant growth areas has been waking up to how much I would change myself to get a guy to like me. I didn’t know what I enjoyed because I would make sure that I wanted to do whatever the guy I liked enjoyed doing. In college, I liked a guy who was a competitive shooter and loved the show Top Shot. I could care less about competitive shooting, but I spent so much time watching Top Shot and talking about shooting competitions in hopes that he would like me. Looking back at who I was becoming, I am so grateful that nothing really happened between us. Do I regret the time I spent trying to get him to like me, a little, but I have learned so much about myself through this and other similar friendationships that the level of regret is minimal. These experiences have helped me wrestle through my worth and reach a place where I genuinely would rather be me and single than feel I have to change to get someone to like me.

God has brought me to the point that I can look back at my lack of dating/relationship history as a blessing rather than many unmet hopes and dreams. I have had the opportunity to travel, continue my education, work with teens, and make space for all sorts of fun things because I am single. I would even venture out on a limb and say that being single has created the freedom to develop parts of my life that I would never have realized were a problem if I’d been in a relationship or married when I wanted to be. God has and still is using this time of singleness to develop me into the woman He created me to be; He’s teaching me things that will ultimately help me chase the vision He’s giving me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be single, but I also see the value in this time and how it is not only allowing me to grow as an individual but how different, and probably not in a good way, my life would be if I had gotten my way any of those previous times. So, if you’re feeling stuck in singleness, hopelessly single, or maybe even feeling like there’s something wrong with you because you can’t seem to get out of the single phase of life, I want to encourage you to challenge your mindset. Challenge those thoughts and look for ways to serve more freely without family responsibilities, seek out fun and intellectual learning opportunities, and take steps to build a strong community that helps propel you forward on your journey.